How to Destroy Yourself
by BJ Rosalind
Step one. Be delirious over treacherous memories. Find any face in a sea of millions and replace it with his. Use this one as a target to release your arrow of imagination.
Step two. Take 5 steps closer and retreat one foot backward when you realize the distance might be too close for you liking. Straighten your arm perfectly and grip the bow tight. Hold on to the faith that all your imagination is indeed reality.
Step three. Release your arrow, forget reality. Let it melt like raindrops sliding down your car window. Think of him and hold your target’s hand, take one step closer and wrap yourself around his warmth. Breathe his smell, listen to his thundering heartbeats, make yourself vulnerable. It’s him. It’s your old him.
Step four. Cling to him like the after droplets hang off the tips of your hair. Gush about how cute that kitten you saw in the pet shop when you cross the streets with him. Laugh about the looks you receive from people with him. He’s real, isn’t he? He’s not just figment of your imagination.
Step five. Tell yourself you’ve fallen in love again with your new companion every time you see a mirror. Now, believe it. This is the calm before the storms, do not prepare your sails or any lifeboats to bring you home safe.
Step six. He will confront you and doubt you. There are cracks in the mirror now. Convince him that you are very much so in love with him – that you’ve never used him even if that on itself falls dead on your own ears. You can’t bear to see him go, can you? You love him. You do. You do. You do. You-
Step seven. Let him leave. He deserves someone better, remember? You were never meant to live a fairy tale life. Look at your hands and see how everything you touch decays in a matter odd seconds, if not months. Write a post-it to yourself about how you damaged the boy with crystal clear eyes and Cheshire cat smile, trying to redeem yourself but only falling head first once again.